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her possible mouth

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[09 Apr 2009|12:20pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I've been keeping a secret little blog about the happenings of some parts of my life elsewhere. No, you probably can't read it.

Things are...well. Really good, I'd say. Gotta love the springtime after a long, long winter.

In other news, I'm hungry.

3. not owned or monogamous

[25 Dec 2008|01:00pm]
[ mood | jolly ]

1. not owned or monogamous

[15 Dec 2008|08:38pm]
I understand fully now my value as a human being.
not owned or monogamous

Hope there's someone [11 Dec 2008|07:10pm]
[ mood | okay ]

So angry lately. Let it go, breathe deep.

All I have ever wanted was for your happiness, even if I did not contribute to it. How could I lose track of that? Go on, little bird. Fly into that warmth and revel! It makes me smile to think of you happy and doing well. It pleases me to think he better compliments you. In all of this, I daresay: I am happy for you.

As for myself...

1. not owned or monogamous

[10 Dec 2008|10:23pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I'm contemplating bullshit. Bullshit not for you, or by you, or because of you, but bullshit all the same. I wonder sometimes, vainly, what you would do if something happened to me tomorrow. Or the day after. I wonder where you'd be then. I wonder what this towering wall would look like shoved inside of cramped quarters.

I wonder if I've broken your heart at all. I wonder if you cry for me. I suspect you wouldn't. Or perhaps you would, in the dead of night (little blackbird...).

Is it raining with you? So baby, talk to me like lovers do.

It feels sometimes like I will be alone forever. That there was a chance at greatness I singlehandedly let slip through my fingertips. I feel bitter, and angry, and hurt, and lonely and alone.

2. not owned or monogamous

The world doesn't matter [09 Dec 2008|11:07pm]
[ mood | burdened ]

You say you need me so convincingly that I always almost stay. But here it is, no different; technicalities, all of it, and it is safe to say that I am alone.

It is a "Passenger Seat" sort of evening for me - but with the addition of rain, and subtraction of a navigator. Instead, we shall fly by the trails of clouds instead of the dim light of stars....

It won't always feel so awful. Work will get better, and surely some creature will find me magnificent, one day. There will be happiness and stability, laughter and expansion. This just isn't that time.

When you feel embarrassed,
Then I'll be your pride.
When you need directions,
Then I'll be the guide,
For all time.
For all time.

1. not owned or monogamous

I think it's time. [16 Nov 2008|09:41am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I have now been single a month. As you read this, know that as I typed that first sentence, I did so and then let the words just sit on the page for a few moments.

I thought, honestly, that the relationship I've just been aborted from was going to be IT. That there was no trouble that we, as a team, as partners, couldn't conquer; nothing that we, as a team, as partners, couldn't do.

I was wrong. I'll say that again: I. Was. Wrong.

Usually, I consider myself a decent judge of character. I feel deceived, and cheated. I'm struggling to see through the madness - madness I was previously patient enough to wait out - to see the light of day on the other side. It feels like defeat. It feels like I've given up. But I'm not the one who gave up. I stayed. I'm the one who sat right here and hoped and prayed and begged for things to be different. They just aren't. They never will be.

A bit from the draft I'm working on:
"Now I think of you and I’m nothing but sick. Waves of nausea twist my stomach into unsolvable knots and I can do nothing but hang my head in my hands and hope something subsides – be it the heartache or the trembling feeling my heart produces that tells me you’re still there. Anything to end this suffering. Anything."

I'm thinking now about the swings. Didn't that seem like something out of a movie? Like we were being filmed and that an audience somewhere would watch and wish they had what we did? I'm not sure why that moment just came to me. But it did.

Something inside of me wants you to tell me that I'm wrong, you know. Something inside of me wants to hear you say, "Just wait for me, I'll be right back. There's just something I have to do", but I know you would never tell me that. You're gone now. I've lost you. I've lost everything for your happiness and you never even cared about mine. That hurts. I want to feel your hands on my face and have you sleep on my shoulder but where does that lead? More ambiguity, more deception. I wish we could walk, hand in hand, back to those swings and laugh and love like we used to.

I would forgive you in a heartbeat, if I knew you were sorry. I'd put our home back together in an instant, if I knew there was love enough between those walls for the two of us. I'd continue to dream about houses and children and lives together, if I could say soundly that you loved me and that satisfied you.

But it doesn't. Yet again, I am just not enough.

The lamp is burning low upon my table top
The snow is softly falling
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling
If I could only have you near, to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love,
On this winter's night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page,
The words of love you sent me
If I could know within my heart that you were lonely, too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love,
Upon this winter night with you

The fire is dying; my lamp is growing dim.
The shades of night are lifting.
The morning light steals across my windowpane,
Where webs of snow are drifting
If I could only have you near, to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love,
And to be once again with with you...
To be once again with with you...

2. not owned or monogamous

[28 Jun 2008|09:41am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

It couldn't be anymore beautiful
I can't take it in

4. not owned or monogamous

[26 Dec 2007|11:55pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Heroes. You are like X-Men, but less familiar. I dig.

Art project. You are almost done (I typed 'dong' there originally - that has to be worth a couple of chuckles). I dig you as well.

Nothing new to report. Car getting fixed Friday. nickasaurus on Friday. Friday will be good. :D

5. not owned or monogamous

[25 Dec 2007|09:19pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I almost didn't write, for fear of sounding dramatic, but. I suppose I'll just say it.

This has been the worst Christmas of my life. I woke to the news that my dad was taking my grandma to the hospital. I was already sort of awake and was putting myself in order, but that had to cease and I ended up just leaving to go get my brother so we could go to my mom's. The day was going to be weird enough, going to my mom's for breakfast (brunch, really) and then to my dad's for dinner...but then Grandma was not good. What were we supposed to say to my mom? She wanted to know, but even said once we'd shared that it was too painful and that we needed to stop talking about it. Fantastic. Dad kept us in the dark all day and I ended up back here, where I finally got to talk to Nickie, but then back to Dad's I went. We ate again and then bummed around until we went to see Grandma - but Dad hit my car backing out of the driveway because he forgot it was there. So cool. Then we went to the hospital to see my poor gramma and I walked out crying. I hated today. No one should ever hate Christmas.

I think that all I want now is to be left alone.

4. not owned or monogamous

[24 Dec 2007|12:56am]
[ mood | artistic ]

I had my first work-related dream last night. I was surprised; it usually takes some time before I am dreaming about work, and I have only just begun this job. In it was the ltitle boy I've observed and worked with much of this week -- he is a very verbal boy with precious few behaviors and if you didn't know any better, you'd even swear he doesn't have autism. Yet, in my dream, he was flapping and making sounds much like the first little girl I ever worked with. Maybe it all ties together some how. I'm not sure. The mind is strange.

I'm crafting right now. I love to craft, I really, really do. Deeeeelightful.

I met my dad's girlfriend tonight. Such a strange thing this all really is. It's strange to see my parents in this sort of light, to see what their interests really are and how much they differ. It's pointed out to me that in all the time I've known her, I've never really known my mom and conversely, I've always known my dad. It makes me sad and it's sometimes hard to not get really angry. I can remember where we were and what we were doing when I told her for the first time that I didn't really know her and that I wanted to. She told me I was being stupid and that she had no idea what I was talking about. For awhile, I believed that. Now, I know I wasn't wrong.

Nothing really profound or interesting to say tonight. I'm probably letting most of that energy out in my craft -- to which I ought to return.

not owned or monogamous

[22 Dec 2007|12:43am]
[ mood | anxious ]

A new name, a new skin to shed. Progress, not loss. Where have I been? To where am I going? How to ask without pretension?

There are times I drive myself mad with...complication. There is healing, always, but there is picking, too - there is scarring, there is physical reminder. If there is free-fall, then, is there release?

I hate writing about myself. I'm afraid that I will share a perception of myself that everyone else regards as untrue, and worse, that I will be called out for it. It's ridiculous to fear that sort of imaginary backlash, but I do. It is the problem I wrestle with in having a consistent audience. It's as though I cannot bare to have you all witness the conversations I have with myself.

There is a head lice outbreak at work (a consequence, I'm afraid, of working with children) and now that I have shared that, your louse-free head will itch just as my louse-free head has itched since the problem was discovered. You are welcome.

If -> then. If I relax, breathe deeply, shut my eyes, and walk forward into the light, there is still no guarantee that I will not fall. I may just fall a bit more comfortably. I may not fall at all.

I may not fall at all.

I feel so heavy, like I am listening from the doorway to the sound of a horn played deep within a Gothic cathedral. I need you, I need you.

4. not owned or monogamous

[25 Sep 2007|01:18pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

I am feeling so many things and have almost no liberty to say them. Frustrating.

not owned or monogamous

[18 Sep 2007|08:44pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I liked my LiveJournal a lot more when I felt like I could write what I really thought.

8. not owned or monogamous

[05 Aug 2007|01:31pm]
[ mood | content ]

It had clearly rained when I woke up this morning; everything I could see was littered with leftover raindrops. I got into my car and all I could smell was you. The air wasn't damp and humid and threatening more rain - it felt just like your palm cradling my face, warm and sweet. The blankets in my backseat smell like your house.

It poured all morning, water falling in sheets. I thought about what it would be like to stand underneath it all, my head on your collarbone, your cheek pressed against the crown of my head, the two of us, spinning slow, deliberate circles under the torrents. It could be our own midmorning waltz, orchestrated by thundercrashes. Would you dance with me, love? In the rain?


1. not owned or monogamous

[20 Jul 2007|09:53pm]
[ mood | touched ]

I keep thinking to myself about the powerful force that drew me to you, the very one that has kept me fixated on you for this entire year. I look at you, and feel as though I have always known you; I look at you, and feel as though I have always loved you. How to express this...? You set everything aflame and make me glow with a secret emotion that I can share with only you. Heaven is curling around your sleeping figure, playing with your hair as you pull me closer. This is it, my dear - our bodies snuggled tightly in this fashion now, and for forever.

1. not owned or monogamous

Just a small one. [11 Apr 2007|01:13pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

[no title]

Today I thought I heard the first locust of the season.
Instead, it was just a songbird,
Singing my sorrow at the top of his lungs.

2. not owned or monogamous

[24 Feb 2007|06:29pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I am ready to lie down in the middle of the street and have the ways of the world explained to me. Today, I do not want to venture out in search of lessons; today, I just want to copy someone else's homework and turn it in with the assurance that it's my own work and I had no help. I am tired of the mysteries, of the questions floating around, of scenarios I build up and then cling to as though they've any merit at all. I want to be held and quietly revered, kept some place warm and dark and away. I want to be enveloped by your perfume. I want to nap, far, far too late. I want to be met with success, want to be thought of as beautiful, want expansion instead of contraction. There is peace out there, somewhere. Somewhere.

1. not owned or monogamous

[15 Feb 2007|10:52pm]
[ mood | cold ]

So desperately, I want to matter.

3. not owned or monogamous

forgetting these images could mean the loss of something brilliant: [10 Feb 2007|09:45pm]
[ mood | intense ]

-your figure, framed in smoke
-chasing the morning star down a rural highway, long before dawn has broken
-the sun filtering through the clouds
-my accidental tire tracks through the snow bank

More to come.

Edit: 11 February 2007
-my lover does not walk with her gaze pointed forward; rather, she sends it askance to shield her radiance.

Edit: 13 February 2007
-this morning, we lay very still together and through the haze of a dream, I could feel a heart beating but I couldn't tell if it was mine or yours and that's the way I'm going to keep it

not owned or monogamous

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